one year ago...

This same time one year ago, Kyle and I were at my 20 week ultrasound, getting a little peek at our baby. Of course, while we were there, we were also going to be finding out whether we would be welcoming another son or daughter. Truth be told, we were both hoping for a girl. We adore our boys, but would have loved another daughter. Of course, we would be thrilled either way, but we would have loved to kind of even things out a bit!! Kyle was pretty sure it was a girl. As much as I wanted another girl, I knew all along I was carrying a boy. But, I don't have the best track record for gender guessing, so I was anxious, nervous, and excited for this very day. When the ultrasound tech moved the wand over my stomach and zeroed in on *that area*, I knew before she had a chance to tell us.....it was definitely another boy!!! Kyle was very surprised, but happy that the baby looked great and was growing like he should be. I had very mixed emotions. I was so happy that the baby looked great...after all, that's what is most important - a healthy, growing baby. But I was also sad. In fact, when I got home, I put Mason down for his nap, curled up in bed and cried. I know that sounds horrible, so let me explain.

I love my boys. I really love my boys. In fact, when I was in high school, I used to say that I wanted 6 kids - ALL boys. I love the rowdy, rough, bouncing-off-the-wall, can't sit still, dirt digging, bug catching, boy. I wanted (and I quote) "a house full of hellion boys!!" Little did I know that I would come close to fulfilling that!! :) But along with our precious boys, we were also blessed with a baby girl....a beautiful baby girl who stole our hearts in an instant. As much as I love those crazy boys, I also love the frilly, girly, pink loving, fingernail painting, princessy, drama queen that loves to have "snuggly buggly" time with her mamma. I am blessed to have such good relationships with all my kids, but I do think moms and daughters share a special bond and I love that. So, for my own selfish reasons, I would have loved another daughter. Plus, look at this sweet face! How could anyone not want another sweet girl!?!

The main reason, however, that I longed for another daughter, was not for me, but because of her, my sister, Vanessa.

Vanessa and I were only 15 months apart in age and were extremely close growing up. We were like two peas in a pod. Family used to refer to us as "Pete and Repeat". We did everything together. Of course, we had our sister squabbles, but we loved each other and were the best of friends. When we were younger, we used to talk about how when we grew up and got married, we wanted to live next door to each other so we could have barbecues and raise our kids together. Unfortunately, that never got to happen. Vanessa was killed in a car accident when she was 17 (I was 16) and the dynamics of our family completely changed. I know what it's like to have a sister and to share that bond with someone so close and I miss it terribly. Not a day goes by that I don't wonder what it would be like if she was still here. I find myself envious of my friends relationships with their sisters. Oh how I wish I still had that. I have 3 awesome brothers and have been blessed with amazing sister-in-laws, but there is just something irreplaceable about a bond with your sister. I wanted that so badly for Mia. I wanted her to have a sister. I wanted her to know what it was like to have that close connection with someone so dear. And later on, if something were to happen to me, I wanted her to have that relationship with her sister (and her brothers) to help get her through all the ups and downs of life. And for those reading this that have sisters, you know exactly what I'm talking about!!! I'm certainly not saying that brothers and sisters can't be close. I hope and pray that Mia has great relationships with her brothers. But I also know how often I wish I could pick up the phone and call Vanessa or my mom.

So, back to the ultrasound. Yes, I was sad. I knew this was our last baby and I mourned that last opportunity to have another daughter, a sister for Mia. Now, having said all of that, I can't even begin to put in to words just how much I adore this sweet face.

I mean, really!!! How sweet is he!!?!! I look at him and I can't imagine ever being sad on the day of the ultrasound. He is just the sweetest, most precious little guy. He has brought us so much joy. As any mother that is getting up at night with a baby, I am definitely tired. But I love that snuggle time I get with him during the night and I love the sleepy look on his face when he first wakes up in the morning. I love the sweet sounds and babbles that he makes. I love his face expressions. I love the way his eyes light up when he smiles - not to mention the adorable dimple he has!! I love his big *bugsy* eyes. He has such a sweet disposition and has brought nothing but smiles, laughter and complete happiness to our home. Yes, we may have wanted another girl, but little did we know that Heavenly Father was sending us exactly who we were meant to have.....our sweet baby Micah. I honestly cannot imagine our family without him in it.

*I just wanted to add how grateful I am for my 3 awesome brothers. They truly are wonderful and I am thankful for the relationship I have with each of them. They have blessed our family with their amazing wives and I adore my sister-in-laws. Our family is definitely not the same without Vanessa and my mom, but I am so grateful for my brothers, for their strength and for the way we have all been able to stick together (even if we do live far apart!!). I love you guys!!

My three brothers, my dad, and me at my mom's funeral. It's so sad to look at this picture, knowing that 2 very important women are missing. :(